no more!

A lot of great things have come from being married; joy and growth and maturity. But one thing that has also come with it is an anxiety that I did not experience before, and that is what is on my heart today. Next week we celebrate our anniversary and as we approach our second year of marriage, my goal is to leave behind the burden of worry that has loomed over me the last year. I don’t know exactly what brought it on but my guess is that when I said “I do”, I began the lifelong journey of loving another person with an intensity that I didn’t know was possible. I pray over him every morning and until I know he has arrived at work safely, I feel anxious. Whenever I hear sirens I get a little jump in my stomach and silently pray that nobody I know is involved. My future is so entwined with my husband’s that I cannot picture life without him in it, and so, I worry. What if something happens to him? What if we have kids and something happens to one of us? What if something happens to one of our kids? What if we can't have kids? These are just some of the things I think about constantly, and this last year I have experienced more headaches, more migraines, and more health issues than ever before. It has gotten to the point where I won’t even answer my phone or listen to voicemails unless I know for sure it is not bad news. I can be honest about this because I know that I am not the only who worries, and I know that there is an answer. The other day we were in church and during worship I just closed my eyes and silently pleaded with God, "can I just rest?" See, even when I know my loved ones are safe for the time being, I am not at peace. I am busy worrying that any minute things will come crashing down around us, and so my joy is being robbed daily. I refuse to live this way any longer. My friends and I meet for a bible study weekly and thank God for them because I have finally been able to talk about my anxiety with them and came to learn that we all deal with it in one way or another. And one of them had the awesome idea to write out a bunch of verses about worry and anxiety and look over them whenever we need a wave of peace to wash over us. I want to take the thing that weighs me down the most, and conquer it with scripture and with prayer. Today I came across a quote by one of my favorite authors, “Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength” ~ Corrie ten Boom. Next post will probably be a wrap up of our first year of marriage and a closure to this blog. I suspect it will be of a lighter nature:). For now, I will practice utilizing the tools that God has given me to stomp out worry and fear, and live with joy, even in the midst of the unknown.

~Mrs. P